On March 26, the ATT gathered social workers from several schools for a discussion on Zoom responding to parent questions and concerns during Cornavirus. Panelists included: Debbie Cardash, REACH; Carly Krawetz, Hillel Torah; Phil Zbaraz, Ida Crown Jewish Academy; and Rabbi Shmuel Tenenbaum, Mashgiach at Yeshivas Tiferes Tzvi
Following is a transcript from the discussion
Establishing norms – we have more skills than we thought we did! By being with our kids as much as we are now, we are learning many things about them that we never knew before.
Last time questions revolved around structure and keeping everyone occupied.
How do I keep everybody structured and supervised while I try to work remotely?
Early childhood: Carly Krawetz:
Find an area in your home that each child can claim as their own. Give them more responsibility for their own learning. Children need breaks every so often.
Middle school: Rabbi Tenenbaum:
This is a transition for every family. Reflect back and think about what worked and what didn’t – then adjust. Reset and strengthen boundaries.
Adolescents: Dr. Phil Zbaraz
Structure is a good thing. Otherwise you are driving in a blinding snowstorm. Structure gives organization to the day and gives clarity. You do not have to account for every minute of the day though. Need to build in some down time. That’s OK.
The kids are going stir crazy. Any ideas to help them get along better?
Early childhood: Carly Krawetz:
Remind children they have to take turns (just like at school) and you can make a schedule for them. Create new structures as needed. 150 “I’m Bored Jar” Ideas will be shared. Good opportunity to have older children help younger ones.
Middle school: Rabbi Tenenbaum:
Children/Adults boredom and business stem from the same place – a sense of not being fulfilled or productive. Boredom is often the result if a child does not value what they are doing.
Adolescents: Dr. Phil Zbaraz
The family can come together a head of time and discuss what to do in times of boredom. Perhaps have a boredom “treasure chest” – that’s where a person goes – pick from the treasure chest of ideas. There might be a gift to boredom – teach kids how to sit quietly. Lay on the floor with a book on the belly and relish the quiet time. “I’m bored!” With teens, take the statement further, ask the teen what are you needing? Boredom could be ambiguous. Bring them into the conversation. It is not your responsibility to make everything better. There is a difference between problems to be solved and situations to be managed.
What do we do for kids who can’t work independently easily? What if child loses interest and does not call into the ZOOM classes?
Early childhood: Carly Krawetz:
This is new for the teachers so be transparent with the students and involve the teacher to tweak the program if you can. This occurs at any age.
Middle school: Rabbi Tenenbaum:
The school has been getting compliments and complaints – too little work or too much work. The underlying issue is that parents can’t be expected to know how to manage schooling – schooling is not their specialty. So, the question is How do to manage it? Mom, your responsibility is to be a mother and caregiver and use your best judgment to manage the situation. Be supportive for your children.
Adolescents: Dr. Phil Zbaraz
Try to involve the teacher if the student is experiencing difficulty. If parent is pressured to fix it, that evokes anxiety they can’t resolve. Perhaps the teacher can provide some modification for the student.
As a parent, I am coming down with the virus (mild case) and not feeling well?
Early childhood: Carly Krawetz:
Pair children together to help with tasks. Give kids jobs to be helpful – jobs they don’t normally have. Use Dr. Phil’s 60% rule for the academics as well.
Middle school: Rabbi Tenenbaum:
If there’s a sick mom, there’s a sick family. This is a double transition for the family. Need to adjust the norm to a temporary new norm. Have a family meeting and delegate jobs so each person can undertake something and own the situation. Create an incenetive as well.
Adolescents: Dr. Phil Zbaraz
Use the 60% rule. If we all pull together – let’s try to do 60% of what mom would be able to do. The glue of everything working in the home needs to be the goal – lower the bar. If things fall through the cracks, that’s OK.
I’m very worried about finances, older relatives, how do I help everyone to feel less scared?
Early childhood: Carly Krawetz:
Middle school: Rabbi Tenenbaum:
Everyone is in the same situation of “uncertainty.” Everything falls into that category. Try to think back if there was a similar previous situation in the family and see if there was a management strategy that worked then that can work now. Look to community organizations – ATT, Agudah, Chicago Center for Torah and Chesed, JUF, etc.
Adolescents: Dr. Phil Zbaraz
What is the level of the worry? Is it dire? Is it just uncertainty? Try to avail the family of resources and programs driven through the community’s agencies. Familiarize yourself with what the resources are. Many are being impacted financially and this is unfolding as we speak. Try to gather helpful information. Re: elderly relatives – are their other family members who can help with the responsibilities of checking in and seeing how they are doing. Perhaps can facetime if possible.
Debbie Cardash: Try to use a “buffet of options.” Create a gratitude blog for what we do have. Some have compared the current situation to the lack of things in the ghettoes of the Holocaust. Need to maintain a sense of humor. One is allowed to be sad and exhibit feelings but keep things in perspective.
Dr. Phil: Embrace the truth that we don’t have to be perfect at this and we can make mistakes. Sometimes what brings about elevated anxiety is when people only have one bucket to stuff everything into. When the clouds separate, and there is a moment of calm, write a note and put it on the refrigerator – what are the 12 most important things in your life that are non-negotiable and cut into who you are as a human being? This way you have a separate sacred bucket of what you really value in life and that are enduring (not transient).
Carly Krawetz: Work on self-care with no one size fits all. Deep breathing, family walk, staying connected with others in your community, make a list of what’s in your control (what will I make for dinner?) and what is not in your control, create a self-care log.
Rabbi Tenenbaum: Make a list of some of the nice things that came out of this situation. Like family time together, relaxation time we never had before. There are kinds of speakers, shiurim, and conferences – a yes to one thing is a no to something else. Do not feel bad if you do not have time to log in to the numerous things out there. The market has been super-saturated with these opportunities.
What are anxiety reducing strategies we can do?
Early childhood: Carly Krawetz:
Use a “worry jar.” You out your worries in the jar and they stay there and are put away. Surround children with positive things – a bedtime story, a positive TV show, a game. Talk to your kids. Ask them, “how are you?” Create a worry thermometer to show kids where they are. Often, what you think your kids are worried about are not what they actually worry about. Acknowledge their worries and be empathic about them.
Middle school: Rabbi Tenenbaum:
Almost everyone is struggling with anxiety. Be cognizant that this is out there – seek resources to help you. Reach out to your primary care doctor.
Adolescents: Dr. Phil Zbaraz
Debbie Cardash: Be thoughtful about what you are talking about in front of your children. If parents are anxious, they will project that anxiety in front of their children. What info is helpful and need to know and what is bringing the climate down?
Round robin tip-
Carly Krawetz: Remember to breather. This is temporary.
Dr. Phil: Go to the end of the driveway, pickup your paperl – face the east and say Thank You for the rising sun every morning.
Rabbi Tenenbaum: Adults are the glue that is holding the family together – take your self-care breaks to keep the family together.
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