Social workers respond to challenges of COVID-19

Mrs. Debbie Cardash, REACH,  Ms. Carly Krawetz, social worker at Hillel Torah, Mr. Phil Zbaraz, counselor at Ida Crown Jewish Academy and  Rabbi Avrohom Shimon Moller, ATT all gathered on Zoom for a community-wide session to support parents navigating homeschool and parenting during Coronavirus.

Previous sessions were forward-looking: What’s it going to look like? Now, we are nine weeks in. We have figured out many things. It is time to move forward and anticipate the issues we will be facing in the coming weeks.

How will we manage the uncertainty in a way that reflects our values? We are looking at a new reality. What should we address heading into the unknown?

Dr. Phil:

Let’s look at where we just came from? We were told all we needed to do was “shelter in place.” People seemed to be able to do that task. Now we seem to be in a transitional phase. It is not so simplistic anymore since there are multiple layers now – financial, religious, relationships. Each new dimension adds more complexity. So, the phase now is more complicated and will require more sensitivity as to who we are and what our values are. People become more reactive during these times and act in a way that is not out of calm. This leads us down different paths when we need to make decisions.

Carly:

We will begin to see in our homes that people want to do different things in our homes. Setting rules and boundaries needs to happen in a supportive and respectful way. This will look different in different families.

Rabbi Moller:

We all respond to an urgent crisis as human beings with adrenalin and strength. Eventually we lose our heroism and our sense of selflessness as the reality continues for a while. Our regular personality comes through. The sprint is over but the marathon is still on.

Debbie:

When we are receiving conflicting information, how can parents navigate this? Children push back and can find opinions that support their viewpoint.

Dr. Phil:

There’s no one size fits all approach. We all approach things differently. When illness strikes, people reevaluate their lives. On a global scale the world has been shaken out of autopilot. We always did things as part of our routine. Now the world has been asked to take off the autopilot setting, and conscious decisions govern everything. The level of change, decision making, and awareness is unprecedented. It has caused people a lot of fatigue – compassion fatigue, quarantine fatigue, zoom fatigue, etc. Cannot gloss over these things.

Carly:

We want to get back to our normal lives. Need to do self-care especially now since every stress becomes a real challenge to maintain control and happiness in our homes.

Debbie:

Our cognitive functions are working way to hard. This contributes to fatigue. We all need to own and honor that it is harder to do things which sets us up for frustration and diminished demeanor. Don’t take on hard conversations if you are not prepared for it.

We all suffer from momentary lapses of judgement. Need to rally the troops and ask shaalos and model this for the children. It is OK for our children to see how parents react to stress in a positive way.

Carly:

If you weren’t feeling frustrations and anxieties, that would be abnormal. We are all at a different place in our feelings.

Dr. Phil:

Our families are experiencing shedding of their routines/rituals/ typical responses and reactions and as much as people are trying to hold on to things, they will find that there are things that need to fall away especially if they affect a person’s ability to adapt. Do not hold onto things that will not help you cope and that will not help at this time.

Carly:

At the beginning we spoke about the importance of structuring the home during this time of e-learning. Now that we are almost through with this portion, you will figure out how to adjust to the changes that will take place over the summer.

Dr. Phil:

There is a sense of loss – Need to talk about the immediate milestones of our students that look different now. We are missing developmental milestones – graduations, class trips, other activities, Israel, etc.

Challenge – can no longer live in the imaginary moment – need to hit the pause button from that and focus on today. This can be a gift to ourselves – the “present moment” – and a greater understanding of who we are as a person. What can we do for our children with their “right now” needs? The slowdown of the world has caused us to pay more attention to the here and now.

Debbie:

It is OK to relish the moment. Playing games, spend time together, as much as there is loss there is tremendous opportunity for growth.

How can we advocate effectively for our children with the school? What are some tips to reach out for your child?

Carly:

Teachers and staff are certainly willing to work with parents at this time to help their children. Any feedback and constructive feedback from parents are welcome. Making individual plans is important. Be honest and reach out to the child’s teacher in a respectful, kind way. Teachers are still able to make accommodations and modifications.

RABBI MOLLER:

Underscore that this has to be done with respect. The teachers are also under a lot of stress and fatigue. They are human beings as well.

Dr Phil:

With teenagers, it is vital for part of their day to have an area carved out for their own individual creativity. Parent could help identify what those areas of creativity are for their children. Many of these opportunities for creativity have been taken away from them. Families should come together and talk about this.

Carly:

This is very important.

Debbie

Harder for adults to carve out their own creativity. Need to take time for this.

Rabbi Moller:

We need to respect the human need for ceremony and symbolism. These life cycle events are extremely important. Need to be able to use our creativity to create something memorable out of the current situation. Seize the moment and incorporate the positive aspects of anything that that we cannot do because of the current crisis. We cannot replace the anticipation and excitement about major events that are cancelled but we need to be creative to make these replacement events memorable. Ironically, because they will be different and novel , they will be much more memorable.

Debbie:

Children are resilient and if we act appropriately to them, it might be enough for them.

How honest should we be with our children about our handling of the uncertainty?

Dr Phil:

Our bodies don’t lie, and our kids have an amazing capacity to read us. So, by trying to hide it away you will cause more disturbance for your children as they see a dissonance  between your words and your body language. Part of the human condition is to feel things. It is a life lesson that you can feel things but it does not mean you will fall apart. You can work through them and transcend them. I am not a believer in putting a mask on and protect child from a natural human response.

Debbie:

It needs to be a balance. Temper your feelings with developmental realities. Perhaps for younger children need to be more protective. Whatever children think of is probably worse than what is actually happening. So, need to share basic truthful statements – these can be a gift to all. Sometimes say, “I don’t have all the answers; when I do, I will share.” Explain your non-answer.

Carly:

Honesty is the best policy. Try to make sure kids see you are in control, keep routines, and keep them loved and share/focus on what is good in the household at this time.

Debbie:

Structure is always important. That helps everyone. If it falters once it a while that is ok, bring it back. This will help with mental health and physical health hygiene.

Carly:

Separate the weeks from the weekends.

Final question:

What are a couple of things that we should think about as we go into the next phase of the unknown?

Dr. Phil:

It is vital to really have a very conscious appreciation of our faith and values – that is from where we draw our faith. The doing part of our day is important but it requires an acknowledgement of the Source from  which we draw our strength. We feel much stronger when we are part of something much greater than ourselves.

Carly:

As we navigate these choppy waters, set rules and boundaries in your house. Don’t forget to enjoy the small stuff. Don’t forget to breathe. Pay attention to where you are now and where you are going.

Rabbi Moller:

When we use the term unprecedented, realize that it’s a matter of perspective. We need our faith. We have had much suffering in our history. It is unprecedented for us, but we can learn from previous historical situations to give us chizuk and  to prevail.

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